Sunday Night Pajamagram

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Shirt and shorts are from Forever21

I am, admittedly, a terrible photographer and an even worse selfie taker. There is just something that reeks of being deeply uncool to take a picture of yourself and post it on the internet. It requires a kind of vulnerability towards jest that I can’t access in myself. Nope. I am purely a landscape, clothes, and friends-out-to-dinner kind of Instagramer.

Last night, however, I was wearing some new pajamas that made me feel like Blair from Gossip Girl (I believe this to be a good thing). You can’t quite see it from the picture, but the bottoms are the perfect Blair shorts in the style of a mid-2000s Teen Vogue spread. Breton stripes seem to be a trend that can never die, so my shirt is both a throw-back AND very, very, current. Someone get me a headband and a rejection letter from Yale!

Here is my shame, my obsession, my selfie. I am not actually in the picture, I realize, but this is as good a first step as any. If I could just start an Instagram of my favorite clothing selfies, I think I might be able to get on board with the movement.

Do you selfie? What’s wrong with you?

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Girl Told by Friends that New Haircut Does Not Make Her Look like Kylie Jenner, Enraged Phonecall to the Salon Ensues

“I thought I had done everything right,” Genny Glassman says. “I thought I had done all the right research, taken the time and care to prevent something like this from happening. But some things you couldn’t foresee even if you had a crystal ball.”

The incident happened around 11 am on Sunday morning. Glassman, an aspiring, creative-type from Brooklyn, had been texting a group of friends before she entered the salon Pulp, on 7th avenue. “Back in the day I would have called them my ‘Top 8,’ like from when Myspace was popular. They were my top 8, in my 5, and 3 of them were my sisters, so I felt particularly safe with them. I must have sent them at least twelve pictures of Kylie from when she had her short hair. Almost everyone had responded to my text. They seemed really enthusiastic about it!” The Imagine Ball Presented By John Terzian & Randall Kaplan Benefiting Imagine LA

“We told her that it was a definitely a ‘maybe,’ that if she liked it, she should get it. We never told her it would look good,” Glassman’s friend Anna tells us.

“One of my friends had even texted me, ‘Kylie Jenner is stupid pretty,” Glassman says. The friend in question, Ms. Christi Hutcheson, clarifies, “Yeah, I told her that KYLIE JENNER is stupid pretty. Genny is beautiful, but she isn’t… I never told her to get it.”

Glassman says that she had mentally been preparing for this haircut for weeks. “I blew up a picture from Kylie’s Instagram and cut the hair part out and took pictures with it. I sought out girls with similar hairstyles on the street and asked them how they style their haircut, if they like it, how often they go in to get it re-cut, if they like it on Kylie Jenner, and if they think it would look good on me.”

She shyly adds, “I even brought my hair cutout with me to work and asked my co-workers if they would enjoy working in the cubicle next to someone with hair like that. They all seemed really excited…though come to think of it, I was also holding a box of cupcakes.”

“Genny takes forever to chose a haircut. She is VERY – maybe overly- cautious when it comes to making any life changes. We just wanted her to get something done, for God’s sake, and stop texting us about it,” Hutcheson explains.

“I clipped some my hair back to create sort of a fake bob and wore it that way FOR MONTHS before I did this. I’m just so disappointed that this haircut did not meet my expectations.”

“She was expecting to look exactly like Kylie Jenner, like exactly Kylie’s face would manifest over Genny’s own. There was no way she was ever going to get what she wanted, because they aren’t the same people,” Anna says.

When asked what she will do now that the cut has been completed, Glassman explains that she is never going to do a long-bob or “lob” again. “I’m just going to go for something less complicated and lower-maintenance. I’ve been looking at a lot of pictures of Emma Watson lately, and I think I’m going try short hair next. That seems like it could look good on anyone.”

“Oh God, she wants a pixie?” Hutcheson laments. “She’ll never be able to pull that off. Her head is too big for that. I need to put a stop to this.”

Girl Discovers The Rifle Paper Company, Gives herself over to becoming a Foof

“I don’t know how it happened,” Genny Glassman says, as she shakily sips water through a Ball mason jar. “I mean, I guess I saw one of their calendars on my tumblr… And maybe I took one too many trips to Anthropology, but now I can’t stop myself. I have calendars, planners, note cards, pens… Even my phone case is Rifle.”Screen Shot 2015-07-21 at 4.04.23 PM

“Their prints are just so happy. I guess that’s what it is. And I like flowers. A lot.”

“I first started out with their, “Famous Queens Throughout History,” calendar. Then I moved on to the occasional notebook. Now I have a pink, blue, and white tassel garland hanging around my room and I keep going into Papersource. My room looks like a damn blog post on A Beautiful Mess. It’s adorable – nay, adorkable – I hate myself for saying that- and completely infuriating. When did this happen to me?”

Screen Shot 2015-07-21 at 4.10.39 PM “There isn’t much I can do, in terms of therapy,” Glassman adds. “I’m just running out of money and space to keep all of these trapper keepers. My room has become the most beautifully stocked school supplies closet.”

When asked if her obsession with peppy stationary has manifested itself into other areas of her life, Glassman shakes her head shamefully.

“Yes,” she admits. “I recently signed on to be a Girl Scouts troop leader, I ran in the park for fun, and – I volunteered to read to the elderly. My crafting group can’t understand it, why I’m so cheerful all the time. I can never let them know my shameful secret.”

“I just want to live in a world where I always feel like a girl who takes on life, like it’s a big, colorful, adventure,” she adds. “When I invite people to my home, they think that I must have a twelve-year-old sister in the house. All I want is to color my world in Rifle Paper Colored glasses.”

When I ask she has any plans in the future to further pursue her passions, she answers, “Yes, absolutely.”

“I’m thinking about taking a tour of stationery stores in the US. There’s no formal tour or anything. I just want to be close to the art.”

Screen Shot 2015-07-21 at 4.23.43 PMI ask if she can even take the time off of work to take on such a long and detailed endeavor.

“Oh Mrs. Rifle. understands,” Glassman says. “She says, I’m her best employee AND her best costumer! We talk a lot during our company quilting sessions.”

“It’s a strange life,” Glassman admits with a long sigh, as a tear comes to her eye. “Loving stationary and paper goods. But someone’s got to do it. I’m just happy to give myself over to the teachings of The Rifle Paper Company. ‘C’est la Vie!’ ‘Don’t Worry be Happy’ and ‘When Life Gives You Lemons,”… well, you know the rest.”

 

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My Favorite Famous Jennys

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The divine Jenny Lewis.

There is just something about finding someone else who shares your name, isn’t there? It is oddly a wonderful surprise that someone else has been walking around responding to the same combination of sounds that’s so personal to you. It’s like someone else has been living at your home address for years and you now have the opportunity to ask them if they’ve noticed the same leaky pipes or how cold the floor gets in the morning. What kind of people are the collective Jennys of the world? Or Emilys? Or Sarahs, for that matter? Can you synthesize down to it’s most basic elements a theory that all people who share a common form of ID are more likely to share a set of characteristics and experiences?

I’m getting way ahead of myself.

Whether you believe in nameology (is that the right “ology” word for this?) or not, I know I always try to suss out whether another Jenny is good enough to share my name. Which I guess is a little unfair given that I am a Genny, not a Jenny. Ya’ know?

Based on absolutely no scientific evidence, and purely my own interpretation of the world that is completely biased, here is what I can tell about Jennys:

-We are funny and give a lot of our time and attention to fun

-We are profoundly weird, I hate to use the Q word, quirky (ew) women. Though I also think that all women think that they are weird in a profound way due to how white, male, masculinity is seen as the norm and the female experience is otherized if it doesn’t fit into a male-centered worldview. BUT ANYWAY….

-We are creative and have a hard time being serious.

Who are some of your famous name counterparts? And, if you can pull together some sort of thesis, what kind of people do you have in your tribe?

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Musician most famous for her band Rilo Kiley, but last year released an amazing solo album, “The Voyager.” Also a former child actress from the 80s. One time, while I was listening to her new album, I had the very embarrassing thought, that “Jenny Lewis understands the loneliness of being a woman,” which, again is very embarrassing, but sort of true. She writes about being a tomboy growing up. Getting older and not having any children (and worrying if she’ll regret it) and other things that are hard to say out loud to yourself, let alone to other people. Can usually be found wearing an Adidas (All Day I Dream About Sports, does anyone else still use that to help them spell Adidas?) tracksuit. I hate the idea that certain women only receive notoriety once they date a famous man, but she did date Jake Gyllenhaal, so “Yas, gorl. Get it.”

Jenny Slate. Comedian. Actress. Most famous for her role as Mona-Lisa Saperstein on Parks and Recreation, her viral video-turned-childrens’ book, “Marcel the Shell,” and her starring role in “Obvious Child.” Said the F word on SNL and got fired (I find this pretty funny and great). Once posted an Instagram picture of her collection of Elena Forrente novels, and I am currently reading, “Story of a New Name,” and think they are the closest thing we are ever going to get to a female-centric Godfather. Went to Columbia. Not afraid of a good poop joke.

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Fartin’ Jenny from John Steinbeck’s, “East of Eden.” So this is obviously not a photograph of a fictional character from a novel. And Fartin’ Jenny (as she is named in the book) is probably so minor a character that most people wouldn’t remember that she is the Madame of the brothel in Salinas. Here is an excerpt from a website that I found, which I think summarizes her completely, “She is known for her sense of humor and congenial nature. She is a “keeper of secrets, a giver of secret loans” (218). People in town know to go to Jenny’s if they are looking for a fun, light-hearted time, since it “jangle[d] with honky-tonk and rock[ed] with belching laughter” (522). (http://sits.sjsu.edu/curriculum-resources/east-of-eden/character-census/) If I remember correctly, the novel says that she ran a place where women could fart and belch freely and laugh without the reproach of men. At the time I immediately thought, “how wonderful.”

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Jenny, the bad girl, from a 1950’s after school special, my Philosophy teacher in high school made us watch to talk about Feminism. Again, this is not a real picture from the film (because FOR THE LIFE OF ME I CANNOT REMEMBER THE NAME OF IT AND IT’S KILLING ME), so I improvised with a vintage picture of a girl on a motorcycle. Jenny was a bad girl who was fast with boys, as the narrator explained, and therefore was going to get a “reputation” for herself. Don’t be like Jenny, the narrator plead. Don’t go out alone at night with boys and smoke cigarettes. Don’t flirt and always listen to your parents. In fact, only date boys who you’re parents approve of first. Never wear your skirts 3 inches above your knees. Never cut your hair or wear dark eye make-up. Never…. Can you see why I decided to root for her?

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Jenni Konner. Writer and Producer on “Girls.” Admittedly, I don’t know much about Jenni Konner aside from her work on “Girls” and her status as Lena Deunham’s bff. BUT from a little IMB snooping, I have sussed out that she was also a writer on “Undeclared” (hence the Judd Apatow connection) AND (more importantly) wrote an episode of “What I like About You,” which is on the better side of the Amanda Bynes ouvré. I also recently subscribed to Lenny.